New Hierarchy

So, I know a lot of people have been asking about the new titles and hierarchy since the department shift. I thought it would make sense to answer all your questions here.

OK, so as you know, the first in command here is Field Marshal Flank. I know people have been complaining that he can be tough, but he's our leader and where he goes, we're right behind.

Under FM Flank is General Jerky. As a seasoned strategist, he oversees day-to-day tactical measures.

Next comes Brigadier Bacon. Go to him with any questions on budgets, which, although they've been lean to this point, should be opening up to accommodate some new projects we've got cooking.

Below him is Major Mortadella. There have been rumors that the Major was taking another position abroad, but I can confidently say that is bologna. The Major will continue to play his usual role slicing operational costs.

Next is Captain Capicola. I understand the Captain doesn't rub everyone the right way, sometimes he can be sweet, sometimes less so. But there's no denying that in overseeing the safety of this company, he's cured us all of a number of potential hazards.

Under the Captain is Lieutentant Linguica. No one really knows what he does, and frankly I don't either.

Fresh from his promotion, Sergeant Salami will report directly to the Lieutenant. He's done amazing things heading up our seasonal initiatives. Without him, we would have all been hanging out to dry, so if you see him, offer him your congratulations.

Replacing the Sergeant is Corporal Canadian Bacon. Once and for all, let's put the rumors of nepotism to bed. Although he can be just as salty, the Corporal is not related to the Brigadier. Please embrace him as you would any other coworker.

And finally, joining us right out of school is Private Pepperoni. He graduated top of his class and should make a nice addition to us all. He also has Corporal-level skills just in case.

I hope this clears up the confusion. And if you have any other questions or you would like to meat any of the above personnel, just let me know.

-Hunan Resausage

MLB Bailout Program for NY Mets Fails

September 30, 2008 - A proposed plan to rescue Major League Baseball’s New York Mets from another pennant race collapse has been rejected by commissioner Bud Selig. The controversial program would have changed the National League playoffs from a 4- to 6-team format, allowing both the Mets and Arizona Diamondbacks to participate in the 2008 post season.

The Mets’ season ended in familiarly embarrassing fashion Sunday, September 28 with a 4-2 loss to the Florida Marlins, eerily reminiscent of the playoff-eliminating 8-1 defeat to the same Marlins one year ago.

Hope was resurrected, if briefly, in the hearts of those supporting the big-market New York franchise, when Mets general manager Omar Minaya proposed a plan that would allow the team to participate in the 2008 post-season, while also providing for $400 million of relief to the organization. According to Minaya, the program would give Mets fans the confidence they needed to continue to attend games, while enabling the organization to sign marquee free agents CC Sabathia and Francisco Rodriguez in the off-season.

Selig, a Wisconsin native and former Milwaukee Brewers owner/president dismissed the bill, saying, “Why should we bail out these huge market teams when they’re the ones who created this overpriced free agent mess in the first place?”

So the Mets faithful once again continue to wait and cling to the taught rope of confidence that keeps them dangling over the pit of mediocrity.

The Bacon Gap

June 30, 2008

MEDFORD, MA—The Lighthouse restaurant on High Street serves breakfast and lunch to local residents from 6 AM until 3 PM seven days a week. Despite the range of colorful characters who dine at The Lighthouse with varying degrees of regularity, some things are always the same according to owner, Pat O'Malley. "Every guy orders bacon. Not all the women do. Some do. But to my knowledge, every single man who's come in here in our 10-year history has ordered bacon and eaten it all." So you can imagine Pat's surprise when something very different occurred yesterday at 9:30 AM.

"So this guy walks in, must've been 5'10", 180", dark hair, you know, just a regular looking guy," O'Malley continues. "So Michelle--that's our hostess--seats him right over [in the corner]. I goes over to take his order and I remember exactly what he orders. I've always had a good memory for that. This guy, he orders a Wagons West. That's our name for our Western omelette. We like to give them fun names. Like, our Spanish omelette is called the Spanish Indigestion. You know, like that. But anyway, he orders a Wagons West, an OJ and a side of white toast. So a few minutes later I bring him his food with a side of bacon. See, most people these days don't bother to mention the bacon because we know they all want it. So like I said, I bring him the food with the bacon. He says, 'I didn't order bacon.' I says, 'Oh, I just assumed you wanted it.' He says, 'No thanks. I don't really like bacon.' I tell ya, I'd a eaten my hat if I didn't already have a plate of bacon in my hands."

Surprisingly, this is not an isolated incident. Reports have been filtering in from across the country, claiming that some men are turning down the opportunity to order, buy or even taste bacon. So what is the cause of this? Are men simply losing their taste for bacon? A new study suggests that might be the case.

Dr. Carleton Westgate, a research professor at West Carolina State Junior College of New Jersey, spent the last 6 years analyzing bacon consumption among American males, age 42-48. "When I first began testing, men averaged about 12 strips of bacon a day," Westgate explains. "And now they're at about 12.5. I know that sounds like an increase in consumption, but you have to realize that in the 6 years previous to testing, bacon consumption had risen about 16%. And now it's at just over 4%. So, yeah, I guess we'll still increasing our pork intake, but at a much lower rate."

When asked about his testing methods, Westgage confesses, "It was easy. I just counted how many strips of bacon I ate each day for six years. I know it was a sample of one, but I'm a pretty average guy, so the way I figure it, my bacon consumption is pretty close to average, too."

Since adult bacon consumption isn't yet in decline, the answers lie elsewhere. One source is the educational system. It has become increasingly clear the United States is no longer the world leader in bacon consumption. Asian and Indian students now consistently score higher on Bacon Capacity Examinations (BCE), widely considered the international standard in pork product intake assessment. This suggests the consumption gap is due largely to the poor quality and quantity of bacon in American elementary schools, a problem that has been growing for 25 years.

Carleton sees the issue firsthand. "When I was in school, we could get bacon on everything. Eggs in the morning, American chop suey at lunch...everything. Now my son is lucky if he gets 3 strips with his sloppy joe. He complains about it, but there's not much we can do. It's the responsibility of the schools."

And until schools and community realize how far Americans are slipping in the global bacon race, a future without bacon seems terrifyingly likely.

Man Digs to China

Man Digs to China
June 2, 2008

BOSTON, MA—Today the old adage, "Sometimes the only way to get out of a hole is to dig yourself out" rings true to at least one Massachusetts native.

At approximately 4:30 PM, Sunday, June 1, Gary Newsome, a serial murderer and life-long resident of Brockton, officially completed his dig to China.

"I never thought it was possible," Newsome explained enthusiastically. "I mean, you always heard those stories when you were a kid about how if you keep digging, eventually you'll get to China. But this? This is just surreal."

Nearly 16 days ago, Newsome began his now legendary descent in his backyard.

"I was burying some stuff that I had to get rid of. Some latex gloves, a hatchet, some lime, you know the stuff I generally use for my murdering. Anyway, obviously I didn't want anyone to find all that, so I figured I'd bury them deeper than usual." That's when things got interesting.

As the minutes became hours and hours became days, Newsome fought through the fatigue and kept right on digging. He would give himself incremental challenges. For example, he'd see how many feet he could dig one day and try to break that record the next.

"It kinda became an obsession," Newsome confesses. "You know, digging that hole was a lot like serial murdering. You get fixated on something and you just have to follow it through no matter what. You just keep doing it and doing it and you can't stop."

And he didn't stop. Not until he had been boring through earth, bedrock and molten core for over two weeks. Not until, by a mind-numbing twist of equilibrium, he had somehow found himself digging up instead of down. Not until, with one violent hack above his head, he punched through the windswept surface of Tiananmen Square.

"My first thought was, 'Where the heck am I?' My second thought was, 'Wow, these little guys are gunna be so easy to murder.'"

Is that enough reason to prompt Newsome to set up permanent residence across the globe?

"Nah," Newsome dismisses. "Now that I finished the hole, I need a new task. Maybe I'll try to jump so high I touch the sky. Or murder an albino king or something. There can't be many of those, right?"

But even if he never reaches those lofty goals, Gary Newsome's name has secured a place on the lips of schoolyard children across the continent. He dug so far down, he got to China.

MBTA Rider Finds Seat

MBTA Rider Finds Seat
June 7, 2007

BOSTON, MA—Philip Stevenson, a 31-year old IT professional from Cambridge found an empty seat on an inbound Red Line train Thursday.

"It's amazing," Stevenson said. "I catch the train near the city so the car is always packed. There's never any empty seats, and when there is it's usually got spilled coffee or something on it."

Added Stevenson, "When I got on today it seemed like the same old thing. Packed train, no seats. But today was different. Today was just…special."

What happened next was an experience Philip will never forgot.

When Stevenson entered the "T" (as its known by local residents), he immediately spotted a vacant seat. "It was like the perfect storm. Someone must have just gotten up and there were no babies or old ladies around. So I took advantage."

But it was the location of the seat that made this such a memorable experience.

Stevenson continued, "The best part was that the seat was right next to the door. So I only had to sit next to one person and on the other side I could rest my arm on the pole. And when I got to my stop I could be the first one off the train."

"I saw the whole thing develop," says Catherine Mayweather, a fellow Red Line commuter who happened to be standing down the aisle at the time. "The guy who was sitting there got off at Kendall. I was going to make a move for the empty seat but right then this other guy gets on the train and beats me to it. It was OK, I was getting off at the next stop anyway."

But Philip isn't shedding any tears for those who missed out on the opportunity. "God knows I've lost out on my share of empty seats. It's part of riding the T. It's usually a pain, but a day like today makes it all worth it."

Will this experience change him?

"Nah," Stevenson shakes his head. "I'm going to be the same T rider I've always been. I mean, maybe I'll tell someone at work the story, but you can't ride the T and expect a seat every day. You'll just end up being disappointed."

But for today at least, disappointment is the farthest thing from Philip Stevenson's mind.