Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The Oven’s Commentary on His Coworkers

The Dishwasher is a moron. I don’t mean that in a mean way, I think he seriously has mental problems. He whines, shakes and drools constantly. I mean, he’s like a scared dog. There is a puddle in front of him at all times. It’s just gross. He does work hard and is damn good at his job, though, I gotta give him that. And it’s even more impressive considering he’s always getting loaded. He’s like an idiot savant. He’s like Mozart to The Sink’s Salieri.

Speaking of The Sink, I feel bad for the guy, losing all his business to The Dishwasher, but it’s kinda his own fault. He’s inefficient, slow, constantly complaining of being drained and yet somehow is completely full of himself. However, I’d wager his personality defect is due more to insecurity than conceit. But he should be thankful. He doesn’t face near the pressure of The Dishwasher.

For such a big guy, The Fridge is a little bitch. Any time I’m pissed at anyone and let them know how I feel, he tries to step in as the “cooler head.” That’s his expression, not mine. I’m not that blatant with my metaphors. Anyway, half the time he doesn’t even have a handle on the situation, but he butts his big stainless steel head in like he’s some sort of natural mediator. OK, so you wanna play the good guy, I get it, but here’s some advice, The Fridge, BRUSH YOUR DAMN TEETH. Worst breath ever.

That reminds me, have you met The Coffeemaker? Oh man, that guy STINKS. I don’t know what the hell he does while he’s sleeping but every morning he smells like he rolled all over the dirty ground outside. That actually wouldn’t surprise me since he sleeps all day. 10 minutes of work when he gets up, then he gets the rest of the day off. Must be nice.

But I don’t hate everyone. The Toaster Oven just started here and she is unbelievably hot. She’s compact, she has an amazing rack (two of them actually), and she gets turned on so easily. It’s like flipping a switch with her. It’s cool because she’s sorta my assistant. She can’t handle much, but I give her the smaller jobs I don’t have time for.

As for me? Contrary to what my name might suggest, I like to think of myself as unconventional. The others cry about my temper, but that’s just because they can’t take the heat. In which case, they should just get out of here.