The OFFICIAL 104-Player Steroid List

It's not often I'll break a story of this magnitude, so I won't waste time getting to the point. A contact in the MLB commissioner's office who shall remain nameless has hooked me up with the official list of players who tested positive for performance enhancing drugs in 2003. So without Freddie Adu, here is the list:

Jeff Bagwell

Jason Giambi

Miguel Tejada

Miguel Cabrera

Miguel Ferrer

Fergie

Madonna

Hercules

Kevin Sorbo

Lucy Lawless

Vance Law

Andy Van Slyke

Jerry Van Dyke

The guy who played Dauber on “Coach”

Brian Daubach

Roy Hobbs

Frankie Muniz

Frank Dux

The Afflac Duck

Ben Affleck

Ben Ogilvy

Big Ben

Jason Biggs

Jason Voorhees

Talia Shire

Clubber Lang

Jessica Lange

The color orange

Orangina

Orange Julius

Julius Peppers

Salt

Pepa

Colonel Mustard

Mr. Body

Jesse Ventura

Ace Ventura

Ace Frehley

Fred Willard

Willard Scott

Scott Steiner

Scott Fletcher

The videocassette of Fletch II I have

Tommy Lasorda

Tommy Gunn

Boomer Esiason

Nick Esasky

Nick Rivers

Omar Sharif

Omar Vizquel

Johnny Oates

Daryl Hall

Fruit Stripes Gum

Fruit by the Foot

Bubble Tape

Dunkaroos

Bonnaroo

Bon Scott

Jon Bon Jovi

James Bond (only the Timothy Dalton version)

Barry Bonds

Bobby Bonds

Bobby Murcer

Bobby Fischer

The Fisher King

Jeff King

Queen Latifa

Prince Fielder

Private Joker

Castle Grayskull

Erin Gray

Blue Edwards

Jaleel White

Ja-Rule

Rulon Gardner

Jeff Ruland

Rock Raines

Stone Philips

Sandy Duncan

Mariano Duncan

Mariano Rivera

Geraldo Rivera

River Phoenix

The Tiber River

Steve Lake

Billy Ocean

Billy Butler

Benson

Fatigue

Fats Domino

The Noid

Spuds Mackenzie

Shane Mack

Shane Spencer

Spencer Tracy

Chad Tracy

Tracy Chapman

Ray Chapman

Carl Mays

Carl Hubbell

The Hubble Telescope

Hubba Bubba

Bubblicious

The guy on the Big League Chew package

Gil and Cal Discuss the Weather

Gil: Hey Cal, what’s up?

Cal: Not much, I hate this weather.

Gil: I do, too. I can’t believe it’s already getting cold. I feel like the summer just ended.

Cal: I know, me, too. I was watching the weather this morning and the guy said that with the windshield factor, it would feel like 25 degrees!

Gil: You mean wind chill factor?

Cal: Um, noooo, windshield factor. That’s what he said.

Gil: Oh really. Can you explain that one for me, Cal?

Cal: Sure, it’s when it’s windy out and it feels colder than it really is.

Gil: No, I mean explain why it’s called the “windshield” factor.

Cal: Oh. I don’t know, I just assumed that, like, when it’s really windy, you need a windshield to protect you. And the windshield feels the full strength of the wind, so it knows how much different the temperature is from how it feels.

Gil: Ah, the windshield has feelings now.

Cal: Well, you know what I mean. Digital feelings. Like a robot.

Gil: OK, so how does it know what the real temperature is, then?

Cal: Um, well, most cars now tell you how cold it is outside, right?

Gil: Yeah.

Cal: So then the computer in the car tells the windshield, and the windshield takes how cold it feels and compares it to what the computer says.

Gil: OK, and how exactly does the meteorologist get this information?

Cal: You mean, like, so he knows if the cows are ok?

Gil: The cows?

Cal: Yeah, so he can make sure he gets good meat from them.

Gil: Cal, what the hell are you talking about?

Cal: A meteorologist. Isn’t that like a butcher?

Gil: Oh my god. No. A meteorologist is like a weatherman.

Cal: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Meteors. I get it. Wait, no I don’t. What do meteors have to do with the weather.

Gil: Well, nothing really, it’s just referring to things celestial.

Cal: Oh, I love those!

Gil: You do?

Cal: Yeah, I used to come home from school every day and eat one and watch TV.

Gil: Huh? Eat one what?

Cal: A Celestial Pizza! Isn’t that what we’re talking about?

Gil: I never know, Cal. I never know.

New Hierarchy

So, I know a lot of people have been asking about the new titles and hierarchy since the department shift. I thought it would make sense to answer all your questions here.

OK, so as you know, the first in command here is Field Marshal Flank. I know people have been complaining that he can be tough, but he's our leader and where he goes, we're right behind.

Under FM Flank is General Jerky. As a seasoned strategist, he oversees day-to-day tactical measures.

Next comes Brigadier Bacon. Go to him with any questions on budgets, which, although they've been lean to this point, should be opening up to accommodate some new projects we've got cooking.

Below him is Major Mortadella. There have been rumors that the Major was taking another position abroad, but I can confidently say that is bologna. The Major will continue to play his usual role slicing operational costs.

Next is Captain Capicola. I understand the Captain doesn't rub everyone the right way, sometimes he can be sweet, sometimes less so. But there's no denying that in overseeing the safety of this company, he's cured us all of a number of potential hazards.

Under the Captain is Lieutentant Linguica. No one really knows what he does, and frankly I don't either.

Fresh from his promotion, Sergeant Salami will report directly to the Lieutenant. He's done amazing things heading up our seasonal initiatives. Without him, we would have all been hanging out to dry, so if you see him, offer him your congratulations.

Replacing the Sergeant is Corporal Canadian Bacon. Once and for all, let's put the rumors of nepotism to bed. Although he can be just as salty, the Corporal is not related to the Brigadier. Please embrace him as you would any other coworker.

And finally, joining us right out of school is Private Pepperoni. He graduated top of his class and should make a nice addition to us all. He also has Corporal-level skills just in case.

I hope this clears up the confusion. And if you have any other questions or you would like to meat any of the above personnel, just let me know.

-Hunan Resausage

A New Sentence

Even an evening out has a way of evening out.